January 22, 2011

The last several weeks have been challenging for me. Many of you know my husband and I experienced the loss of our first child in July, and closing in on January 22, 2011 (our due date) has been harder than I thought. I thought I had grieved and dealt with my pain when it happened, but it might be harder to digest now than it ever was at the time. I am trying to turn to God to help me with my grief, and prepare me to be pregnant again when His timing is right. Last Sunday, Joel and I were able to share this testimony in front of our Church family, and I hope that it will help those of you who might need to hear it:

“When bad things happen, often our first response is “Why?” or “How could God let this be?”  We seldom question why good things happen, but we often feel we are entitled to some sort of explanation when things don’t go our way.  Even the Psalms are full of David’s cries to God.  God doesn’t cause our suffering, but He does know that in all hardships we are given the opportunity to praise Him and grow closer to our ever-present Lord.  1 Peter 4:12- 13 says “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.”

This year we suffered the loss of our first child, a second trimester miscarriage in late July.  It was heartbreaking, disappointing, and frustrating.  This was the first real tragedy we had to deal with together, and it produced growth in our marriage and our relationships with God that might not have happened otherwise.  We learned to mourn, to share our fears with each other, and to rely on God when we didn’t have the answers.  We gained a new appreciation for the joy and the hope that comes through the knowledge of Christ.  I can’t imagine having to go through something like this without knowing that He is an all knowing God, and that even when we don’t have the answers, He does.

Even in these times of trial and suffering, God has blessed us exponentially.  We have received lots of support of friends and family, many of whom have been through the same experience. And we have learned new things about ourselves and each other, helping each other grieve and work though pain like we have never felt before.  Most importantly we have learned to trust God more and ourselves less, because without His grace, we would not be able to handle something like this at all.

Some days are still hard, especially the closer we get to the day our child would have been born. Some days I just need to cry and know that that is ok. It is so comforting to know that My God knows exactly how I feel. He gave His son for my life, and He knows that pain. We take immense comfort in knowing that our Matthew is with God, and that he will never have to experience that because he gets to spend his life singing God’s praises!

I pray that in 2011 we would grow ever closer to each other and to God, and that he would give me the patience and strength to wait on Him.”